A Guide to Pronoun Etiquette

Abigail Taylor

Personal pronouns are substitutes used to refer to someone in place of a name, and they often attach a gender assignment. For example, use of he or him would imply that you are referring to a person as a man or boy. When using pronouns to refer to a single person, it can be unhelpful and insensitive to assume which pronouns the person uses. Relying on a person’s name or their outward appearance to assume their pronouns shifts the burden of responsibility onto them to make themselves appear like the pronoun they choose to identify with. It also then forces them to either go along with your assumption or to correct you. Neither situation is ideal.


In fact, the easier and more respectful route is quite simple. Ask. As a tip, you can kick off an introduction by giving your pronouns first. To some, it might be confusing as to why you’re volunteering your pronouns, but think of it as a great opportunity to explain why you’re doing it. It’s a learning opportunity. And if you’re unsure of someone’s pronouns and not comfortable asking, use they/them.



It’s a privilege to have an outward appearance that supports both the gender and pronouns commonly associated with one’s gender. To help foster awareness and educate people on pronoun etiquette, a growing trend is to include pronouns in email signatures, social handles, and other public-facing channels. Voluntarily normalizing sharing one’s pronouns helps create a more comfortable space for all people.

What to do if you accidentally use the wrong pronoun

Maybe you had a friend in high school who used he/him pronouns but after reconnecting you discover that they now use she/her pronouns. You may find yourself slipping up, and that’s okay! You don’t need to make a big deal out of your mistake, it can be unhelpful to draw a lot of attention to it. Rather, just keep on trying. Maybe you don’t realize until after the conversation that you used the incorrect pronouns. You can have a quick conversation acknowledging that you realized that you used the wrong pronouns and that you will make a conscious effort in the future to correct your mistake. Over apologizing can have a counterproductive outcome and end up with the person feeling like they are consoling you over your mistake.


Examples of pronouns:



  • she/her/hers
  • him/he/his
  • they/them/theirs
  • ze/hir/hirs

Use gender-inclusive language

You may find yourself using common phrases that are not gender-inclusive. Your intentions may be pure but using language that assumes someone’s gender or pronouns can be very hurtful. Here are some examples of simple switches to use inclusive language.


  • Instead of “yes, sir” or “yes, ma’am,” you can say, “It’s a pleasure” or “Yes, absolutely.”
  • Instead of “ladies and gentlemen” you can say, “friends” or “colleagues.”
  • Instead of “he/she” you can use “that person,” “they,” or “the guest.”
  • Instead of “you guys,” you can use, “y’all.”



Paying attention and making space for pronouns in our day to day language creates inclusive, equitable spaces for everyone. And that’s a win for all.

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