New York State Wants Young People's Help to Stop Teen Dating Violence

Kelli Owens, Executive Director of the NY State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence

The more we talk about it, the more we know.

Your boyfriend guilts you into giving him your passwords because “you shouldn’t have anything to hide anyway.” He tells you that he doesn’t like what you’re wearing because all of his friends will be staring at you. He picks a fight because he thinks you’re flirting with the waiter while you’re on a date. No matter what you do for him, it never feels like it’s enough. It might seem like just a dramatic relationship, but this could actually be dating violence.


Teen dating violence among young people is all too common, and for that reason the New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence (OPDV) is partnering with Teen Vogue to develop tools and resources that provide teens with a safe space to get information and, when necessary, help. The project will bring teens together to talk about unhealthy relationship behaviors.


Research tells us that 80% of teens know someone who is in a controlling relationship, yet many are hesitant to call it what it really is: abuse. The question is: Why? Do they equate abuse to only physical harm? Are they searching for answers but not finding them? In reality, dating violence takes many forms:


  • Your girlfriend texts you 20 times in a row after you don’t pick up her call because you’re with friends. She tells you that she doesn’t like them and that they’re bad influences on you. Every time you try to stand up for them, she turns it around on you. She says that she loves you so much that she wants to spend all her free time with you and asks why you don’t feel the same.

  • The person you’re talking to convinces you to send them photos of yourself because they’ve “already seen it anyway.” They give you the silent treatment if you don’t do what they want. They tell you they’ll send your photos to everyone if you end things.

  • When you first start talking, the attention can feel amazing. It can give you butterflies, and might remind you of everything you’ve seen on screens. Finally, it's happening to you. But amid all the pet names and grand declarations, something more sinister could be happening. You might not recognize the signs as love bombing, which is when a person showers you with excess affection to influence your behavior in the long run. All you know is that this person must really be into you to make you feel so special. That’s why it might not strike you as a red flag when they start to question who you are spending your time with and where you are going. It must be normal, right?


All of these examples contain easy-to-miss red flags, and overt examples of abuse. But why do we hesitate to call it that sometimes?


That’s where you come in. Over the next year, OPDV will be traveling across New York State facilitating focus groups to talk to teens about relationships, abuse, and where you are getting your information. We want to know how you’re learning and talking about things like dating, abuse, and consent. How do you learn to negotiate things in your relationships? Where are you getting your messaging from? We want to give you a space to inform future decisions that affect teens across New York State. We want your voices to be heard.


Dating abuse is a pattern of behaviors including physical, sexual, emotional, and/or verbal abuse used to gain power and control over a partner. The abuse can happen slowly over time and may continue to get worse. Dating abuse doesn’t discriminate. It can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, race, class, education level, or religion. While the control tactics might look different in every situation, power is the common denominator across abusive relationships. It’s never about external circumstances and it is never the fault of the victim, no matter what their partner might tell them. Ultimately, one person makes the decision to treat their partner a certain way so they can have the power.


You are the experts in your own lives and experiences. To end dating abuse—and to see a rise in relationships with honest communication, trust and growth—we need your help. The New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence is excited about this new project and can’t wait to hear from you. For more information on how you can get involved, head here.



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